Well, I quit my job. I remember when I got it, I felt so empowered and free. It led to me moving out, starting this blog, and getting an apartment with my girlfriend. It bought me a new guitar and a cat. It did a lot of things for me. It also occupied 100% of my mental capacity nearly 24/7. I thought I had reached my lowest point before I moved out originally, but actually, it was about three weeks ago.
I don’t really know how to describe my relationship with my now former boss. It was strange to say the least. He had me doing the jobs of 5 people. I got calls in the middle of the night. I worked 16 hour days, at least 6 days a week for so much of my time with him. It drove me insane. I reached levels of burnout I didn’t know existed. I got even more suicidal. I started having more severe and more frequent panic attacks again. I stopped having sex. I got a temper.
I know he didn’t mean to do these things to me, at least it wasn’t his goal. But his company definitely did it. I took a job elsewhere, with a 30% raise, a defined schedule, meaningful structure, and well under half the hours. I also went to see the psychiatrist I mentioned in Disposability.
Psychiatry Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
I love my psychiatrist. I really do. He has a pediatric practice, but he was willing to see me as an adult, and on extremely short notice. I saw him about a week after contacting his office. My experience trying to find other doctors tells me this was because he actively wanted to see me. Nobody else would take me, too many patients.
I’m back on Adderall now, at a lower dose than I was on as a teenager. I also got a prescription for buspirone. I like both very much. Being medicated has already made a huge difference in my quality of life. I intend to add guanfacine to the stack when I see him next, but I have questions about 5ht2b agonism that may deter me depending on the answer.
The visit was interesting. I was as honest with him as I ever had been with a doctor, I told him about my moods. I’ve been worrying about bipolar or bpd for some time now. He didn’t seem concerned. He seems to think I am just incredibly distressed. He is probably right.
He was not at all concerned about my DIY HRT. He trusted me. He affirmed me when I said that lena juice has done so much for me that oral HRT never did. It did not affect my treatment at all. I was not misgendered once. I received no lectures. I felt so lucky.
The last interaction I remember having with him before coming to see him again was him telling me to visit one last time before I left for San Francisco. At the time I believed I was going to join one of my dearest friends at SFSU and try to work for a startup. That never happened. However, now that I have visited him, I have a trip to San Francisco scheduled for October to meet my new coworkers. I am excited and scared. Mostly by the airport.
I feel like I say this every time I talk about my relationship, but it is once again further invigorated. I will spare you the gory details. We have been having some very good times and very good conversations together. I love her very much. We both sought help recently, together.
We’ve been watching a lot of TV, which is unlike me. My Hero Academia, The Sopranos, Shameless, Game of Thrones, and I’ve been watching House and Mad Men by myself at night. It’s nice to share things with her. Somehow, we managed to forge this relationship without many shared interests. We have really very little overlap. This doesn’t phase us or cause problems, but it is nice to share something.
Before I met her, I was actively looking for, and imagined myself ending up with some sort of carbon-copy, armchair anarchist, programmer, drug addict trans woman. In retrospect, I am really glad that never happened. We’re like foil characters. She keeps me grounded. I keep her entertained. I think at least.
Many of my friendships have stagnated. I have largely dropped off the face of the earth for the last while. At first, it was because my work was driving me fucking insane. One friendship that has grown stronger is the one I have with the previously mentioned friend that I intended to join in San Francisco. I remember when she moved and started going to school, she disappeared for months. I would hear from her infrequently, and when I did, it was a circus. I feel like that.
I feel old now. I am past my first job, which makes me feel like I have successfully secured a career. This will probably be the next twenty years of my life or so. Less if I get lucky and do well. I want to quit software entirely as soon as I can. I’d like to go into toxicology. If I can get out young enough, maybe psychiatry. The intersection of drugs and humans is really what I care about.
Now that I’m on Adderall, I’m capable of reading again. That’s nice. I intend to take advantage of it. I am also killing it with my guitar. I didn’t know how good I actually was - being able to focus on one thing for an hour is incredibly powerful. My practice sessions are amazing.
I also intend to keep writing. I have a couple ideas in mind. We’ll see if they go anywhere.